I’m not sure how to start this. For the past week and a 1/2 my father has been in the ICU. He went into the ER early last Wednesday with chest pain (I know) and was initially diagnosed with pneumonia. Which compared to now seems so easy to treat. But no. It’s somehow morphed into an infection in his blood AND lungs and to him being hooked up to a ventilator and a feeding tube and pretty much in critical condition. We rushed down Wednesday after we heard and have pretty much been living at my moms since.
It’s been hard in a million ways, but one of the hardest, as a new parent is the feeling that I never ever want my precious little girl to have to deal with what I am dealing with now. I never want her to have to see me hooked up to a million tubes and machines and I never want her to have to feel, from day to day from minute to minute that she may loose a parent. It makes me want to get into the best shape of my life so that nothing can possibly ever go wrong. Then I realize this is impossible because even if I do everything in my control to ensure her parents perfect health, there are so many things beyond my control that can land me in a hospital bed and land her in the position I am in right now.
Although we’ve brought all of her stuff here like the bouncy chair and everything she loves from home, I know she can sense the stress and sadness that is coursing through me, her dad, her Grandma and her Auntie. She hasn’t been her champion self soothing self when going to sleep, and she’s generally been fussier than usual. I’ve been putting in long hours at the hospital and she’s probably not used to being away from me for so long (and I’m not used to being away from her for that long either!!) I cannot express to you how fucking good it feels to cuddle my little girl after a long visit at the hospital.
A few days ago, I needed a break so I didn’t go to the hospital at all, and spent the day with Jon and Ivy. We took a long walk that afternoon, and on the way back, she needed a diaper change. As I was changing her and powdering her up, Jon came up behind us and started to tell me I wasn’t putting enough powder on her. So he started to shake more powder on her, and just then she laughed her first laugh. And of course, it made us laugh. And the she laughed some more like she knew this is just what I needed. It was so insanely well timed on her part it’s like her little baby brain thought “Jeez mom’s been so down lately let me just do something I’ve never done before that happens to be super cute in order to cheer her up”.
*As an update, when I started this post last week my dad was in worse condition than he is now. While the Dr’s caution us that he is still in critical condition, he has been stabilizing and making major improvements, like keeping his blood pressure up on a reduced amount of meds and he is responding more to us. Please keep us in your thoughts and send your positive vibrations our way*