Welcome to my Nightmare

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My sister told me the other day about her nightmare involving my baby which was more of an anxiety dream. In the said dream, I was in labor and she got the call, but didn’t know what hospital to go to and nobody was answering their cellphones because we were all in the hospital.

For public record, I am having my baby at Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn Heights. Hopefully not in the back of a taxi on the way there.

This got me thinking about some of the actual nightmares and really crazy dreams that seem to be a symptom of pregnancy. Yeah, because when I’m not tossing and turning because I can’t get comfortable I’m having fucking nightmares .

Let me give you a brief synopsis of these kinds of fucked up dreams. They fall into 3 basic categories: Horror like nightmares; Anxiety about having my baby; and random crazy celebrity sexual encounters. Oh yes.

Nightmares

These have ranged from a simple dream of being chased by zombies but being too fucking pregnant to do a good job running away from them so I resign myself to the fate of being eaten by zombies. Interestingly enough, this takes place in Coney Island for some reason.

I did have one cray-zee nightmare where I was at my mothers and the house was surrounded by zombies so somehow I made a quick escape with my baby and ran to her neighbors house, which then was also surrounded by zombies. For some reason, her neighbors were unaffected by the zombies but suggested me and the baby go hide in the woods. So we did. Only to be stalked by werewolves.

Then, there was another dream where I got kidnapped by vampires and forced to become one. But they assured me that my baby would be born non-vampire and I’d have to give her up for adoption so she could lead a normal life.

Anxiety about labor and delivery
When Octo-mom and her little premies were all over the news and they were showing pictures of then while getting their light treatments with those little eye shades on, I had a dream that my baby was born wearing those things. When I asked my doctor why she said “well, you probably didn’t wear sunscreen during your whole pregnancy”. And I was like “Well, my face moisturizer had SPF 30 and I was mostly pregnant in the winter” and she told me off because you are supposed to wear sunscreen ALL OVER your body for your ENTIRE pregnancy even when you’re indoors because otherwise your baby will be born with those little shades on and be very sensitive to light! Even my mom was yelling at me!

I also had a dream that my labor was taking a really long time, so my doctor and all the nurses decided to leave, and told me I could go home and if I just continued to push and have Jon press on my belly the baby would eventually come out. In the dream I actually did this and all sorts of people were telling me congratulations and I casually replied “Oh the babies not actually OUT yet I am still working on pushing see?” And then I’d demonstrate how I am pushing down on my stomach to get the baby out.

There have also been various dreams like giving birth to a full size person, a were wolf (it’s from the heartburn!!!) and an alien.

Random Celebrity encounters

When the whole A-Rod steroid scandal hit and he was all over the news, I had this really random really graphic (I won’t get into details heh heh) that I was, for some reason, at Yankee Stadium and A-Rod wanted to have sex with me. I kept telling him I was married and 6 months pregnant and he was all “That didn’t stop Madonna”. And I was like “But she’s wasn’t pregnant!!”

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One Response to Welcome to my Nightmare

  1. Anonymous says:

    Very entertaining post – when are you writing the book? …and i would never really yell at you! – mom

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