BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS

Holy mother of god, I think my boobs are trying to take over Brooklyn. Or at least run for borough president or something.

Seriously I cannot relay to you the agony that went in to finding bras that a) fit b) were supportive enough and c) didn’t look like my grandmas.

In the beginning, it was ok. I simply went up a cup size in my favorite, cheap bra from target. Then underwire became a problem. Not only did it dig into the top of my ever expanding belly, but it would also poke those little fat deposits under my armpits just right, so that by the end of the day I was practically walking around with arms stretched out in a T shape just to avoid the agony. I would be unhooking my bra as I was walking up the steps to my apartment at the end of a day.

I went to target but couldn’t really find anything that seemed supportive enough. Sorry playtex 18 hour bra you do NOT look good enough for my girls. So I went to Macy’s where there’s almost an entire floor dedicated to bras. Most of which are size A – C and contain underwire.

You have got to be kidding me I thought to myself as I wandered through the many racks (heh heh. RACK). Only to find endless things that either wouldn’t fit or would hurt me. Then, there it was. The grandma bra section. You know what I’m talking about. Silky satiny no support very thinly lined bras that come only in size D – FF and have a delicate little flower or bow in the middle. The straps are about 4 inches thick. there’s at least 4 hooks on the back. At one point I looked up and the only other woman shopping in that section with me was like 70 years old.

Hell no I cannot wear these things. First of all they will not support me, second of all, I will crack up all day long at the thought of what is under my shirt. There has got to be something better than this!!!!

And then I found them. Warners saved my boobs!! They have bras called things like “Elements of bliss” “Sleek underneath” and “Beyond bliss” AND THEY’RE WIRELESS!!! AND SUPPORTIVE!! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, DESPITE THE 3 HOOKS HOLDING THOSE PUPPIES TOGETHER DON’T LOOK LIKE SOMETHING MY GRANDMA WORE AND ARE MADE OF THE KIND OF MATERIAL THAT MY GOOD OLD VICTORIA’S SECRET BRAS WERE MADE OF. THEY ARE NOT SATINY AND THIN AS HELL SO GOD FORBID I GET COLD MY NIPPLES ARE NOT ADVERTISING THIS TO THE WORLD.

Due to the fact that Macy’s is pretty much always having some kind of sale they didn’t break the bank either. In fact, in order to celebrate these bras I am going to buy some more. I cannot tell you how happy a comfortable, supportive bra makes me at this point in my pregnancy.

After all of this to-do over housing my ginormous breasts, as a cruel twist of fate, my first (pregnancy related) stretch mark has shown up. On my boob. Yes, all those nights of lovingly rubbing coco butter on my belly has paid off. Too bad I didn’t think to rub it on my boobs for the past 7 months too.

I noticed it the other morning when I was getting dressed. I called Jon into the bathroom in a worried voice that made him spring up from his morning cup of tea and rush in, only to find me scrutinizing my boob. “Look – it’s a stretch mark!!! On my tit!” “Yes, yes it is” he replied “but it’s only tiny. Just start using the coco butter on there. It will probably go away!” I fucking love him and his optimism. I’m really not that up in arms about it – it’s not like I was planning to move to a nudist colony that strictly forbids less than perfect bodies or anything. It’s just that I was expecting them to pop up on my tummy before anything else. I guess I should just shut my mouth right now, lest I jinx myself.

Oh and there’s another super weird/annoying/painful affliction that pregnancy hath wrought on my tatas. I was sitting at my desk yesterday when I started to get this pain in my left one. Just like a shooting pain. I thought it was weird but it wasn’t like terrible so I just got on w/ it. Then I got up to get some water and there it is again. It began to get progressively worse until it progressed into a burning sensation. I went to the bathroom to inspect and mother of god! My left nipple was chaffed beyond recognition. I’ve been lotioning both the girls up in the morning for sometime, as my skin everywhere has been pretty dry so I’m not really sure what going on only on my left one . I got through the rest of my evening and got home and flashed my nipple to Jon. He made that sucking the air through his teeth noise and recommended A&D ointment, which so far has seemed to heal it. This morning I lubed it up w/ A&D and stuck a little cotton pad between my nipple and my bra and all was well. But seriously, what the hell? I am prepared for this sort of thing to happen when I start nursing but WHY NOW???

I hope you all enjoyed the tale of my tatas. Stay tuned for part two to come in a few months: What hell hath nursing wrought upon my milkbags.

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